textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
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