Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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