I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
