They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
