You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
