I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
