you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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