My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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