all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
