i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
