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life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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