watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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