Your dad touched me again.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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