Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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