why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
