why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
