So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
