dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I met the friendliest cop last night
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
