Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
