I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
