so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
