I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
