these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
