Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
