I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize