his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
