Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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