I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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