mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
