So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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