Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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