Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
