she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
