I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
