sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
