My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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