nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
