Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
two words: eviction party
vagina is talking i cant
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize