Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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