ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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