you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What drink are we having for lunch?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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