if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
