I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
