Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize