I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I died a long time ago.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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