I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
