I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
being pregnant is like rehab
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
