Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
