it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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