Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
