omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
