could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
