STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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