If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize