Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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