I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
