maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
